Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
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