An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
