guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
