I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
