I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
