come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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