girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
