as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
We smell like vodka and hangover
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