I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
