I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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