On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
