btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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