If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
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She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
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Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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