if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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