So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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