They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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