Sry I called you an 8
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
