I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
