Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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