Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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