A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
