So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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