Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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