Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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