note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Im part way to drunk.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
