he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
it was like having sex with a tree stump
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
