New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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