its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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