3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
