Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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