God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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