if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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