Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
