Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
