FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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