just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
