I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
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apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
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That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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