Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
a search helicopter?!
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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