There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
