my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
