Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
