In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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