fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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