Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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