This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
