if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
