your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
