So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
