i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
