I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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