you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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