they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
