Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I need a beard to bite.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
