The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
