I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
