In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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