Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
only if we run a train.
done.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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