Your mouth is God's brothel.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
