My liver just broke up with me...
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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