I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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