if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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